Day 8: Today was the least painful treatment of all of them so far. Perhaps there’s some truth to the ‘getting used to it’ the doctor mentioned. The treatment was tolerated well and I was able to read without stopping between pulses. I’d been pausing conversation or reading whenever the pulses were firing.
The technician asked me if I was feeling any different and as a result, I spiraled out today. Despite logical knowledge that this should have no real visible impact on me until 3 or 4 weeks into the process, I wanted to be able to answer yes and when I couldn’t it dropped me down pretty hard.
That’s been a noticeable theme throughout the treatment. I’ve been starting the day pretty elevated in mood and ending it in darkness. I wonder if the boost it might be giving me now wears off or if I’m just too tired at night to pretend I’m okay – even to myself.
Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?
2/5 – Mild intensity pain during treatment
There was no pain once the treatment stopped and I went the entire evening without experiencing a headache or surface site pain.
Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?
3/5 – Sleep was okay. The biggest change to sleep since this process began is the ability to fall asleep almost instantly. This is wonderful since I have such a busy mind.
Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?
4/5 – Eat all the things!
Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?
2/5 – I wish I had leveraged part of my workday to go for a walk or some other activity. By the time that I ended my day, I no longer wanted to do anything and so I didn’t.
Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?
2/5 – Motivation was still very low. Even during the morning.
Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.
3 to 1/5 – I started the day in relatively good spirits and spiraled into disgusting darkness full of sadness and self-pity.
Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?
I don’t recall any events that really triggered any of my thoughts or feelings. It was a fairly uneventful day.
Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?
Depression
Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?
I learned that Friday held much and yet nothing. There’s more to life than the contents of these days.
