Day 13: I’m not too fond of this week. Hmm, I didn’t realize it was day 13. I’m not typically superstitious, but this day has been some of the funkiest I’ve felt since starting treatment.
Not just this day, but this whole week I’ve been fighting with the darkness quite ferociously. The cycles of highs and lows are still intense, and as a result, I find myself really struggling with everyday annoyances.
Maybe a friend or coworker didn’t have time to respond, or I’m not getting the attention I need for something work or otherwise. There’s a definite sad vibe that doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense. Either that or I’m experiencing a new range of emotions that I wasn’t feeling before.
It’s hard to be sure. I’d been taking antidepressants, and I was numb. Now I’ve had to relearn how I feel about anything and everything. I’m unsure whether this new wave of emotion is real or just continued self-discovery. No matter the reason, the reality, or the cause it has been a profoundly troubling week for me.
Today’s Anthem: Wake Me Up – Tommee Profitt feat. Fluerie
Today’s Book: Mary Oliver – Blue Horses
Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?
3/5 – Pain was intense but manageable.
Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?
2/5 – I woke up frequently. But I wanted to sleep the sweet sleep of depression all day.
Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?
2/5 – My appetite remains very low. I barely eat when I have food in front of me. But I put food in front of myself frequently enough to not be skinny.
Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?
1/5 – I was tired and lethargic. The depression kind.
Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?
1/5 – Motivation was fairly low along with my mood.
Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.
AM: 3/5 – I was doing okay in the morning. It wasn’t a high state. Barely north of ‘meh’.
PM: 1/5 – By the time I went to bed, I was so depressed I couldn’t will myself to do anything else but sleep. (a repeat of yesterday)
Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?
A technology mishap. A need unmet. A tiring lapse into memory and constructionism and normative thinking.
Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?
Anger.
Frustration.
Emptiness.
Darkness.
Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?
I met a woman who knows Weird Al. I apparently remind her of his wise-cracking normal conversation. These stories you can’t make up. Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society…
Comments
I felt the same emotional instability when I went off my depression meds. I was numb for so long I had to relearn how to deal with the emotions of every day living. It was rough. You’re not alone. Good luck!