Here’s the thing about my TMS treatment. It flatlined. Not in the sense that it died and surreptitiously scurried away into the abyss. I haven’t seen any major improvement or decline in days. Talking with the technician, I related that I was concerned about the treatment and that this was the end, a limited improvement.

According to the technician, she informed me that a majority of the people who receive the treatment identify the most significant improvements 3-4 weeks after treatment is over. There’s potentially more to come! I’m not sure if it’s a good sign that I’ve been feeling better during treatment. Maybe it’s a combination of therapy and self-discovery.

A few weeks ago, my glasses slid off my nose. I noticed that the sky was a different color than it was with my glasses on. It had never occurred to me that my lenses had blue light blocking treatment. I wonder if it’s possible that wearing these glasses outdoors could contribute to a form of seasonal affective disorder. I ordered a couple of new pairs from Zenni. Whether it’s purely psychological or not, it has felt better to see the sky without the filter.

I visited Northampton, Massachusetts, and checked out the Smith College Botanical Garden. It’s a beautiful collection of plants and cactus. They have a jungle room – insert Elvis joke – with a lovely bench for people watching. I visited a few bookstores and had a lovely dinner or three. I’ve eaten my fill, beaten a few bushes, and rattled a couple of feathers.

I’ve had drinks, conversations, reading, and learning. It’s been a wholly satisfying and fulfilling set of experiences. And yet, exhausting. I frequently want to curl up into a ball, pass out from a sugar crash, and sleep in the exhaustion soaked wash of quilted comforter.

I’m thankful for the friends and family in my life. They’ve made this scary TMS journey worth it. I’ve been present and aware and gotten a ton of my memories back. My creative drive is alive and well.

Week’s Anthem: The Guggenheim Grotto – Fee Da Da Dee

Week’s Book: Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton – The Ethical Slut

Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?

3/5 – Pain went back to fairly average. It wasn’t painful, but don’t ever think it isn’t irritating to have your head tapped for 20minutes.

Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?

2/5 – Terrible. I’m thankful that I’m finally tapering down my treatments. Getting up at 5:20 every morning to have time for everything with treatment and breakfast.

Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?

2/5 – My appetite and diet has been pretty poor. Save for a few delicious meals.

Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?

2/5 – I felt okay. I need to work out. I’m getting far too sedentary.

Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?

2/5 – I continue to feel exhausted and thus unmotivated. However, it’s not coming from a place of depression.

Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.

3/5 – I’m alright. I feel like a lot of things are coming together in a meaningful way.

Happenings: What’s happened this week that may impact my baseline?

I met a few new people. I had some amazing experiences, found a great garden, visited bookstores, read books, learned new things, and tried some interesting dishes.

Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?

I’ve felt a range of emotions like a fear that I wasn’t going to get any more value out of the treatment, relief that there is more to come, and excitement for discovering new nooks and crannies in Massachusetts.

Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?

I’ve learned that I still have a long way to go in resolving incorrect thinking. I’ve evolved quite a bit over the years and even now find myself jumping to conclusions that aren’t quite right and failing to understand the basics.

I’ve learned that while possibilities can be unlimited, time is not. This fact has caused me to evaluate myself and my activities. I find a lot of waste in my actions, but I also have to learn to value the mindless time sinks that improve my well-being. Balance is a thing. 

I’ve also learned that I’m capable of a lot of things. I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy and imposter syndrome. I think the hardest part when dealing with emotions (now that I have them again) is having them again. I keep experiencing this wave of emotion that mostly resembles being alone in a crowded room. This feeling is a manifestation of my insecurities and fears. That doesn’t make it any more fun to handle.

I think the best part about what I’ve been learning this past week is that I can absorb and critically analyze a ton of information. I’ve been drilling into relationship dynamics, alternative culture sexuality, philosophy, and so much more at a pace that reminds me of my early middle school days on Ritalin. Feed me, more…