A while has passed since my final TMS treatment. If Fate were a person, I would wonder what critical offense I had caused her. A virus has swept across the planet and forced us into isolation. Thankfully, TMS has equipped my brain with a newfound ability to manage complex emotional states or at least start from a better place.
It seems appropriate that during the closing days of my therapy, the entire world was sliding into a traumatic event. Trauma is a petulant ex-lover that I’ve been eschewing for years. We’re all drenched in it now. With isolation and perpetual exile to my apartment, I’ve found it difficult to hide from these feelings anymore. These memories scream into the void between the workdays. It’s been uncomfortable trying to process all of them reasonably and healthily.
All of the emotional and mental work has left me feeling untethered, uncentered, and out of control. Do other people feel so desperate for power over their lives? I suppose we all do. This isolation tends to magnify the loneliness that these emotions can make us feel. It’s easy to get lost in an endless cycle of repetitive negativity with no additional stimuli to free you.
It has been bewildering.
I wrote the lines above around the beginning of April. Life was difficult; isolation had seemingly destroyed a great deal of the progress I had made. I had a feeling when I wrote it, that it wasn’t time to post it. Not yet. Not yet, my brain told me over and over. I’m grateful that I didn’t; I wouldn’t want my last post on TMS to discourage someone from taking steps to free themselves from depression.
I write these words now, it’s May 17th, 2020. COVID-19 is still very much a problem from the world. The United States of America leading the world in the number of cases and deaths. Largely, this world I’m inhabiting is not a place of joy, and yet, I’ve managed to find some peace in this darkness.
There were a couple of moments that I was confident that I would break. I had a breakdown, I lost my shit, I found my shit, and I worked my way back out. I honestly and sincerely believe that TMS made the difference. I had lost my way, and people were noticing. They were calling out how I was behaving in a way that unhealthy. I was able to take that criticism, break it down, and fight the darkness back again. I don’t think I would’ve been able to do that before TMS.
It was more than just TMS, though. I have consistently worked on myself to improve my thought processes, reclaim my mind from fear, and understand different perspectives. For someone who has spent most of their life repressing feelings, thoughts, and looking for something no one is capable of providing. Fixing myself was a herculean task.
There’s a great deal of work that I still need to do. TMS as a tool was crucial for this stage of my development. If you’re suffering from depression, if meds aren’t working, give it a try. It worked for me. TMS helped move the needle from where my baseline mood was. I’m able to approach this personal growth and work with strength and confidence. I’m ready.
Readers: If you wish to discuss my TMS treatment on a more personal level, please feel free to reach out to me at don@donsedberry.com.
