Don Sedberry

Day 17, 18:
I now bring us back to our regularly scheduled broadcast. Day 17 was chaotic and intriguing, it started with excellent mood and motivation, but eventually, the day devolved into a mournful sorrow.

Day 17 is also notable for the excited rapidity with which I talked. I was hyper, manic(?), and it felt like my brain was on fire with thought and ideation. My thoughts weren’t negative until later in the day, but it felt like someone added some nitrous to the brainpan.

On Day 18, the technician administering the TMS treatments asked me how I was doing. I told her about the three great days at the beginning of the week and how I didn’t feel safe admitting it was a positive change.

It was an enlightening conversation. We are all ruled by some level of fear, and as a depressed person, it isn’t easy for me to be open to the possibility that this treatment is helping. I don’t trust it. I’m suspicious and guarded because if it fails, I don’t want to be disappointed.

Today’s Anthem: Fort Minor – Remember the Name (feat. Styles of Beyond)

Today’s Book: Preston & Child – Crooked River (continues)

Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?

2/5 – Pain was okay. None after treatment.

Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?

3/5 – Restless nights. Easy to sleep, hard to stay there.

Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?

2/5 – My appetite was low again. I’ll take it. TMS as a diet?

Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?

4/5 – Day 17 was awash with energy. Day 18, not so much.

Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?

3/5 – A plethora of motivation with a lack of direction.

Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.

Thursday: 4/5 to 2/5 – I started positive, but ended poorly
Friday: 2/5-3/5 – I started low, raised a little but not much.

Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?

My baseline seemed unaffected by my activities. However, for the record, I spent time with Laura and a day working remotely in the Berkshires. I took my laptop and drove around the western bits of Massachusetts, working from cafeterias and bars along the way.

Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?

My Berkshires outing seemed to bring me up a bit, but not much.

Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?

I learned that there’s still a long way to go and that some of the fights are my own battles. A reminder that TMS is just a tool.

Day 14, 15, 16:
I had such a lousy week and weekend. By the time Monday arrived, I was devoid of creative energy. That’s why this is a combination of three days I missed. Now, I didn’t miss those three days because they were negative. The last three days are the most alive and happy I’ve felt in years. It may not last – I hope it does.

That’s right. I’m telling you that I haven’t been depressed. I haven’t been funky, fatigued, feeling like a failure, or anything remotely related for three days.

Monday was alright. It wasn’t anything super special, but I never hit the late afternoon slump.

Tuesday was brilliant. I’ve not felt such enjoyment in months and all while eating a taco. Taco Tuesday! It’s always great to drive out to western Massachusetts.

Wednesday wasn’t unique, but I spent most of the day completely good. I’m writing this on Wednesday evening, reflecting on what feels like a pretty stellar week compared to the misfortunes of the weekend.

Today’s Anthem: Nine Inch Nails – Closer

Today’s Book: Preston & Child – Crooked River

Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?

2/5 – Pain was okay. None after treatment.

Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?

4/5 – I had some excellent sleep nights. A few cases of waking up lightly or from dreams but overall great.

Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?

4/5 – My appetite was appropriate and consistent. However, my appetite was especially ravenous on Tuesday.

Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?

4/5 – If I’d had just a touch more energy I might’ve taken over the world.

Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?

3.5/5 – Motivation existed. However, I struggled to remain focused on any specific task. I wanted to do everything.

Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.

Monday: 4/5 – Decent day.
Tuesday: 5/5 – Drove. Visited places. Ate good food.
Wednesday: 4/5 – Decent day.

Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?

Self-care. Good friends. Good Food.

Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?

Happiness
Satisfaction
Healthy

Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?

I’m terrified this won’t last. I observed that there are still memories that can be regained from before cancer treatment. I found joy and excitement in forgotten things. I learned more about various fetish subcultures. I devoured books and discovered things.

Day 13: I’m not too fond of this week. Hmm, I didn’t realize it was day 13. I’m not typically superstitious, but this day has been some of the funkiest I’ve felt since starting treatment.

Not just this day, but this whole week I’ve been fighting with the darkness quite ferociously. The cycles of highs and lows are still intense, and as a result, I find myself really struggling with everyday annoyances.

Maybe a friend or coworker didn’t have time to respond, or I’m not getting the attention I need for something work or otherwise. There’s a definite sad vibe that doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense. Either that or I’m experiencing a new range of emotions that I wasn’t feeling before.

It’s hard to be sure. I’d been taking antidepressants, and I was numb. Now I’ve had to relearn how I feel about anything and everything. I’m unsure whether this new wave of emotion is real or just continued self-discovery. No matter the reason, the reality, or the cause it has been a profoundly troubling week for me.

Today’s Anthem: Wake Me Up – Tommee Profitt feat. Fluerie

Today’s Book: Mary Oliver – Blue Horses

Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?

3/5 – Pain was intense but manageable.

Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?

2/5 – I woke up frequently. But I wanted to sleep the sweet sleep of depression all day.

Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?

2/5 – My appetite remains very low. I barely eat when I have food in front of me. But I put food in front of myself frequently enough to not be skinny.

Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?

1/5 – I was tired and lethargic. The depression kind.

Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?

1/5 – Motivation was fairly low along with my mood.

Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.

AM: 3/5 – I was doing okay in the morning. It wasn’t a high state. Barely north of ‘meh’.

PM: 1/5 – By the time I went to bed, I was so depressed I couldn’t will myself to do anything else but sleep. (a repeat of yesterday)

Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?

A technology mishap. A need unmet. A tiring lapse into memory and constructionism and normative thinking.

Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?

Anger.
Frustration.
Emptiness.
Darkness.

Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?

I met a woman who knows Weird Al. I apparently remind her of his wise-cracking normal conversation. These stories you can’t make up. Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society…

Day 12: This TMS treatment feels like forever. I’ve read three books since I started. Reading really helps distract from the pain. It’s not always enough, but it keeps me focused during the breaks between pulses.

Once again, the morning started out with a positive mood. After I’d recovered from the tension of the treatment. However, it eventually went downhill pretty severely by the evening. It’s been making it challenging to write in the evening, and so I try to get these blogs knocked out around midday.

I keep waiting for the turning point, something to show things are getting better. There are small signs that it is having an effect. The mood shifting up and down is more than the even-keeled just south of okay I usually feel. While I wish I didn’t have the steady progression of good to bad each day, it is better than feeling nothing at all.

Better than being cold-blooded. Less chance of falling out of trees that way.

Today’s Anthem: Ben Platt, Lin-Manuel Miranda – Found/Tonight

Today’s Book: Mary Oliver – Blue Horses

Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?

3/5 — Pain was intense but manageable. The tension headache hung around for a portion of the morning.

Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?

2/5 – I woke up frequently.

Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?

2/5 – My appetite is just not much these days. I eat but it feels like I’m just doing it to fill time and not my belly.

Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?

1/5 – I was tired and lethargic.

Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?

3/5 – Motivation started out okay and quickly took a nosedive.

Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.

AM: 4/5 – Alright. Alright. Alright!

PM: 1/5 – By the time I went to bed, I was so depressed I couldn’t will myself to do anything else but sleep. (a repeat of yesterday)

Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?

The work was quiet. My best friend stopped by to hang out mid-day. Laura visited in the evening.

Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?

Good and Bad. Boredom, Depression, Frustration in the evening

Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?

Dancing to Selena Gomez makes people laugh at you on Facebook.