Day 10: Tuesday. I chose to take Tuesday evening as a day of self-care. I went for a drive, had some excellent Mexican food, and explored some personal interests. These concepts make for a late post, but it is also so important to take care of yourself.

I didn’t experience the sine wave of moods that I had mentioned yesterday, and I stayed on the upper end of the spectrum. How frustratingly inconsistent, I identified and then immediately break the pattern.

The mood wasn’t the only aberration as my pain level increased during treatment and a tension headache followed after. I’m beginning to wonder what this is actually doing to my brain.

Today’s Anthem: Little Shop of Horrors – Mean Green Mother from Outer Space

Today’s Book: Margaret Atwood – morning in the burned house

Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?

4/5 – Pain was significant and jarring, very painful during treatment and some tension afterward.

Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?

3/5 – Sleep remains steadily unimproved.

Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?

4/5 – I was feeling ravenous and yet didn’t eat much. Maybe it’s a lack of bulgogi in my life.

Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?

3/5 – I felt good but was quickly worn out by any physical exertion. I think the repeated doses of Advil is causing something funny with my cardiovascular system. May have to try moving forward without taking it for treatments.

Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?

3/5 – Motivation was okay. I managed to accomplish the tasks I set out to do throughout the day.

Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.

AM: 3/5 – I woke up feeling pretty well about myself and my day. I had a slight dip and then rebounded for the evening. Breaking my sine wave idea.

PM: 4/5 – By the time I went to bed, I was exhausted but not for the lack of a great evening. I enjoyed Mexican food, good random conversation, and a bit of fun for the evening.

Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?

I went for a drive in the Berkshires, had Mexican Food, made it back in time to get a couple of games in and we actually won. I had some great conversations and really felt like I freed up a section of my mind for a bit.

Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?

Happiness
Deliciousness
Victory

Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?

“We have priorities, Omar!” – shouted by a drunken woman at her waiter in the Mexican restaurant. I can only imagine those priorities are as follows.

• Margarita
• Margarita
• Belligerence
• Margarita
• Thinly veiled racism
• maybe an Ambien

Day 9: Monday, day after the Super Bowl for those of you who are sportsball fans, was the 9th treatment of 36. I’m a quarter of the way there! For my former co-workers at DEG – congratulations!

This weekend served as a great learning experience as it pertains to how the treatment may be affecting me. Over the weekend, I didn’t experience any headaches or latent effects from TMS treatment like surface area pain.

The past few days have shown me a pattern to my moods. My moods have often been amorphous and indistinct. A mellow humdrum that doesn’t reflect happiness or sadness. Now, it appears my mood operates on a sine wave with the high part of the curve in the morning and the low part in the evening. I start the day strong, positive, light, and then throughout the day, my mood falls into deep, prominent darkness.

I’ve been wondering if this pattern indicates that something in my brain is changing. I have no way of knowing at this time.

Today’s Anthem: Mother Mother – It’s Alright  (Watch the video. It’s worth it.)

Today’s Book: Neil Gaiman – Trigger Warning

Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?

2/5 – Mild intensity pain during treatment

There was no pain once the treatment stopped and I went the entire evening without experiencing headaches or surface pain. I’ve done a good job of pairing up pre-medication with Advil about an hour before treatment and distracting myself with a good book.

Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?

3/5 – Sleep remains steadily unimproved.

Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?

2/5 – I suffered a sour stomach. The thought of food was disgusting.

Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?

2/5 – I felt a little lethargic. I wasn’t drained or fatigued but I was definitely underwhelmingly lazy.

Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?

3/5 – Motivation was okay. I managed to accomplish the tasks I set out to do throughout the day.

Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.

AM: 4/5 – I started the day very positive and carried it with me until around 3:30pm when it slowly started to drift downwards.

PM: 2/5 – By the time I went to bed, I had exhausted almost all positive energies and contributed to it further by losing at video games with my friends.

Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?

I watched a movie with my best friend. We had a good discussion. There was Chinese food involved. Bad boys, bad boys, watcha gonna do…

I lost multiple games in a row playing competitive Counter-Strike, Rocket League, etc throughout the evening with my gamer buddies.

Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?

Excitement
Happiness
Disappointment
Anger
Frustration

Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?

Evenings suck. For now. Iowa caucuses are weird. Dog slime is worse than human slime. Bats are just Rat Angels. Kitty hugs are the best when you’re sad.

Day 8: Today was the least painful treatment of all of them so far. Perhaps there’s some truth to the ‘getting used to it’ the doctor mentioned. The treatment was tolerated well and I was able to read without stopping between pulses. I’d been pausing conversation or reading whenever the pulses were firing.

The technician asked me if I was feeling any different and as a result, I spiraled out today. Despite logical knowledge that this should have no real visible impact on me until 3 or 4 weeks into the process, I wanted to be able to answer yes and when I couldn’t it dropped me down pretty hard.

That’s been a noticeable theme throughout the treatment. I’ve been starting the day pretty elevated in mood and ending it in darkness. I wonder if the boost it might be giving me now wears off or if I’m just too tired at night to pretend I’m okay – even to myself.

Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?

2/5 – Mild intensity pain during treatment

There was no pain once the treatment stopped and I went the entire evening without experiencing a headache or surface site pain.

Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?

3/5 – Sleep was okay. The biggest change to sleep since this process began is the ability to fall asleep almost instantly. This is wonderful since I have such a busy mind.

Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?

4/5 – Eat all the things!

Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?

2/5 – I wish I had leveraged part of my workday to go for a walk or some other activity. By the time that I ended my day, I no longer wanted to do anything and so I didn’t.

Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?

2/5 – Motivation was still very low. Even during the morning.

Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.

3 to 1/5 – I started the day in relatively good spirits and spiraled into disgusting darkness full of sadness and self-pity.

Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?

I don’t recall any events that really triggered any of my thoughts or feelings. It was a fairly uneventful day.

Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?

Depression

Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?

I learned that Friday held much and yet nothing. There’s more to life than the contents of these days.

Day 7: I took Advil around an hour before the treatment. I’ve been playing with taking it at various times, and so far, this was the most effective time to take it. The magnet was maxed out (for me) at 110 and while it hurt it seemed the Advil helped take the edge off.

Last night, I was suffering from headaches on the scalp at the treatment contact site. The area was super sensitive touch and no additional Advil or medication caused the pain to subside. I tried icing it. That relieved the pain for a while, but at the time I went to bed, it was still very much present when I put my head on the pillow.

So far, the site level headache is minimal. I’m hoping it isn’t just a good day and maybe the so-called ‘getting used to it’ phase has begun. One good day does not make an actual dataset, so here’s to hope for more of the same goodness tomorrow.

If you’ve been following along, it probably seems like today has been a much better day. To that point, I’m also writing this the same day as my treatment instead of the day after.

Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?

3/5 – Unpleasant during the treatment

There was some surface scalp pain that continues to occur after every treatment but this is easily avoided by not touching the area or adjusting my hat to hit it.

Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?

2/5 – I woke up many times during the overnight. It wasn’t the most useful sleep of my life. No dreams, no sweats.

Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?

3/5 – Mediocre. I didn’t think anything sounded great and so I ate a Sedberry Sandwich.

Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?

3/5 – I didn’t partake in any physical activity, but I also didn’t intentionally avoid it. I wasn’t opposed is probably the best description.

Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?

2/5 – Motivation was still low but I accomplished much. Achievement!

Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.

2/5 – Depressed. I felt much better than yesterday, but a lot weighing is on my mind. There are so many unresolved and unknown factors.

Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?

A mostly uneventful day. A minor reminder of how difficult life currently is and a therapy session with my favorite betterhelp.com therapist Erin Lingle. She’s been instrumental over the past few months in helping my logical brain work through the complexities of emotional discourse.

Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?

Depression
Pride
Relief
Exhaustion

Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?

I learned that I could write more than one post in a day and not die from exhaustion. Also, I learned how fantastic Neil Gaiman’s short stories are. I chewed through several shorts this morning during treatment but especially enjoyed “The Truth is Save in the Black Mountains” or buy the excellent short story collection Trigger Warning.

Day 6: Wednesday was one of the lowest days I’ve had in months. It was the epitome of why I am torturing myself with magnetic radiation.

Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Headaches after? Other issues?

4.5/5 –Very Intense, but bearable. Just.

Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?

1/5 – I slept off and on. It was miserable and sweaty. I wanted to sleep and couldn’t stay there. I didn’t want to leave my bed either.

Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?

1/5 –I hated everything and didn’t eat much.

Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel after?

1/5 – I wanted to stay in bed or on the couch and not move. I had no desire or energy to do anything.

Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?

1/5 – None.

Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.

1/5 – The worst day in months.

Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?

Depression. I was so low I didn’t care about anything.

Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?

Depression
Exhaustion

Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc?

I learned that no matter how many good days I’ve had. There’s always one of these days coming back around to wave hello. I’m not cured of this. We have tough days. We fight, we stay alive, we rise, we fight again.

Keep fighting, Don.